A Conversation That Sparked a Deeper Reflection
Recently, I found myself having two separate conversations on the same day with two people close to me. Interestingly, although the conversations were different, they both centered around relationships and the current mindset surrounding love.
One conversation focused on women and relationships in today’s society. The other revolved around our reactions to the Diddy documentary. My friend expressed deep disgust over his actions—and rightfully so. His behavior was disturbing, reckless, and harmful. What stood out most to us wasn’t just his actions, but the reality that people continued to stay in relationship with him despite repeated mistreatment.
Those conversations lingered with me. They pushed me to think more deeply about how dysfunctional many relationships have become and just how far off the rails our understanding of love truly is.
The Breakdown of Love in Today’s Relationships
Real, genuine love—rooted in respect, compassion, and accountability—does not seem to circulate as freely as resentment, distrust, revenge, or the idea of “matching energy” and getting even. And I’m not just referring to romantic relationships. I’m talking about all relationship dynamics: friendships, family, partnerships, and even how we relate to ourselves.
From where I stand—based on my own experiences, watching others endure heartbreak and disappointment, and what I continue to learn about love—it’s clear to me that many people do not actually understand what love is or where it originates.
Why Many People Don’t Truly Understand Love
We often reduce love to butterflies and intense feelings, but that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. Some people believe love means being a “ride or die,” tolerating disrespect and a complete lack of boundaries in the name of loyalty. Others think love is purely physical—affection, intimacy, or material provision.
While all of these can exist within love, none of them define it on their own. This misunderstanding is where so many relationships go wrong. There is a massive misconception about what love truly is.
The Different Types of Love We Experience
What many people don’t realize is that love is not one-dimensional. In fact, there are at least seven to eight recognized forms of love:
Eros – Passionate, physical, and romantic love
Philia – Deep friendship, loyalty, and affection between equals
Storge – Familial love, such as the bond between parents and children or siblings
Agape – Unconditional, selfless, universal love for others; often considered the highest form
Ludus – Playful, flirtatious love, often found in the early stages of romance
Pragma – Practical, committed, long-lasting love based on shared goals and responsibility
Philautia – Healthy self-love, self-respect, and self-compassion
Mania – Obsessive, jealous, or dependent love rooted in insecurity
When Love Becomes Imbalanced
When I look at these definitions alongside my own experiences and the countless relationship dynamics I’ve witnessed, it becomes clear that most relationships involve more than one type of love. The problem is imbalance.
In my failed relationships and unhealthy connections, the dynamic was always off. Sometimes there was too much ludus and not enough philia. Other times, the connection was rooted almost entirely in mania, which—personally—I believe has no place in a healthy relationship. Obsession, control, and insecurity are not love; they are warning signs.
What a Balanced, Healthy Relationship Looks Like
As I’ve grown older, I count myself blessed to now be in a relationship that is balanced. Not perfect—but balanced. A relationship where I both give and receive eros, philia, ludus, and pragma, while we actively strive to embody agape toward one another and the people around us. That balance didn’t happen by accident.
Faith as the Foundation for Understanding Love
If you were to ask me how I arrived at this place, my first answer would be my faith. The Bible provides a clear definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4–8:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
This scripture became—and still is—my roadmap. When I use this definition as my foundation and then look at how casually the word “love” is tossed around in the world, the dysfunction makes sense.
Why Self-Love Is the Root of Every Healthy Relationship
If we are not actively modeling these principles toward the people we claim to love, then what we’re offering isn’t love at all—it’s self-centered and self-serving. Love is an action word. Feelings may accompany it, but feelings alone are not love.
The other major shift in my understanding came through philautia—healthy self-love. A healthy relationship with yourself is the foundation for every other relationship in your life. If you lack discipline or intentionality in how you view and treat yourself, it will inevitably show up in how you treat others and what you allow in your relationships.
How you love yourself teaches people how to love you.
Join The Conversation
If this reflection resonated with you, take a moment to examine how love shows up in your own life. Which type of love do you give most freely—and which one are you being invited to grow in? Share your thoughts in the comments or pass this post along to someone who may need it today.
